If only I could... (second in a series of real life responses to real life comments)

My last "If Only.." post covered my trumpet playing response to the "Are all these children REALLY YOURS?" question. You'll be glad to know that since posting that I have not once had to brag about my brass blowing prowess! Maybe just going out with one child at a time is the solution.

This blog is about the certainty of the uncertainty, it was started to help me grieve Jesley's passing..it is helping.. some, I still miss him every single day. He is right there but not.

I'm going to be in Haiti this time next week. I'll be holding my little boys and rubbing the cocoa butter into their little arms and legs. I'll be dealing with the exploding diappers that seem to come after every meal. I'll be listening to my little one year old banging his head to self sooth himself to sleep. I'll be reading the books I have packed already and soaking in every second.. I might even learn to sleep with one eye open so I don't miss a blink of them! I am SOO excited about my trip but every trip out to my darling boys is one more trip where I have to deal with the stark reality that Jesley is in a much better home with a much better parent hovering over him. He is living perfection in perfection with the one true Holy perfect living God. How can I possibly want to deny him that. I love him so much I thrill at the thought of what he is experiencing.. and yet.. the pain, the heart ache.. the tears.. the grief.

So this is just a short blog to say "if only I could.." have my twins back... I'd still chose it to be this. I'd still chose to have Jesley safe in the arms of God and Peter getting ready to come home to his new forever family with big brother Wadley at the toddler helm.. I'd chose it because it was chosen for me by the one true perfecter of my faith, the father who sees and knows so much more than I could ever.. I'd chose it..even though I could never have chosen it.

I have to remember this as I put my head on the table at church after a particularly soul hitting song that reduced me to one of those silently howling, scary Christian ladies :0) I have to remember this as people ask me if my sons are brothers.. (they are now!.. Wadley always has and always will be, Peter is fresh to the brother thing..) I have to remember this as I yearn every day for the boys to come home and mourn every day that my twins won't make it to this home. As I pray for us all to make it to eternity together. If only I could grasp this deep peace, this huge reality check I get when I sit down and blog it.. If only I could get that daily, hourly, minute by minute.. life would look a lot different..it would probably help my trumpet playing too!

If you are starting the adoption process each step is SO hard!! Is so LONG!!! So painful it can take your breath away. If you've had loss during the process, either through the death of your child (as we have) or, the failed adoption of your children (as we also have) the process does take away your breath. I wondered how long it would be before I could fill my lungs and breath a full breath ..
It's OK to grieve, it's OK to weep, to miss the what could have beens and the what won't be's. It's OK. We didn't chose this for ourselves but we were willing to risk it for the love we had for that child or children. It's also OK to let go of the anger and bitterness and pain that would drag you down. You can grieve fully without that baggage, it takes a little monitoring but you can, a little self stopping and choosing to just let grief be grief. And it is also fully OK to never get over the loss. God never gives up on His adopted children, He never tires of calling our name to Himself, of sacrificing all for his precious, adopted, child of grace.. we didn't chose this.. it was chosen for us.. and God is faithful to perfect in us His perfect will.. remind me..

Wendy