You may want to skip this blog post..but I need to write it.
Today's date reads march 4th 2012 but in my head it reads one year and two days since we heard Jesley died. For the past month I have been reading dates in that way.. lead up dates.. to this first heart breaking anniversary.
We spent it in Alabama at a course for Commanders and their spouses, learning how to be better servants of the people God has graciously allowed us to lead. I spent my hardest day (Wednesday) hearing an exceptional young man describe his tangle with an explosive on foreign soil. I then listened as a mother explained how she lost her adult son. It was sombering and challenging. I don't want everyone elses experiences of loss to be obliterated by my own sense of grief. I have to learn how to be open to hearing the hard stuff from others and allowing them to express their hurt, I believe that was part of my learning journey this last week... but it was hard.
It was tough starting the day in such an emotionally raw way, knowing that it was a Wednesday that I heard the news. It was not by a knock on the door and a team of people sent to tell us that we heard our news. No, I heard by a screaming of grief rushing down our double hallways and my daughter screaming that Jesley was dead! An email that Steve in his grief read out loud to the children standing there.. a bomb blast that sent shrapnel of raw pain into the hearts of each of us. Killing our dream of raising twins and watching their unique relationship grow. Leaving one of our sons bereft of his crib buddy, on soil a country away... Starting the learning process of having to live with out and still live with the child your heart was so wrapped around it will never learn how to let go.
But listening to these families speak confirmed in my heart that we do find a way to live differently. There will always be the before and the after date.. until we reach eternity and then it will only be now!
So I spent the day learning how to be there in case it should happen again on our watch. Learning and being reassured that, the things we have done in the past when this loss has hit our families and our teams have had to walk that tough pathway to the door of a family member, were the right things. Knowing I could do it again if called to, and knowing how hard I pray that we will never have to.
I had been praying that God would redeem this day for us. I had hoped it would be with a trip to Haiti to bring home our sons, but God knew I had to redeem it in the only way that counts... not with something for me..but learning to serve and be. I am grateful that He chose this week for us. ....... and now it's over I'm ready for Him to chose the day we are to bring home Wadley and Peter so we can start that part of living "after".
I'm right you know..there is no word that can take away the pain of loss. No word that can express the sorrow of losing a child or learning that a friend or anyone had lost someone they love so passionately. But while words don't "make it better" they do take the lid off the pressure pot and allow you to look in, it does help to use the words to express the thoughts. If you read these words..thank-you.. if not.. it's OK I needed to just talk and a safe space to do it in.
Love Wendy
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