Draw my other Mommy

"Help me draw my other Mommy, Mommy. "

My little five year old has a lot of mature questions and as the adoption of Wadley and Peter draw nearer the questions grow more difficult.

Today we sat and drew her first Mommy several times. She asked last night if her Mommy had blue eyes, or brown. I brought out some photos I have of her so we could look and see. I am now on my fifth picture, tracing over the features of this "other Mommy" and talking about her with my daughter.

You'd think it would be hard, or painful or awkward. It doesn't seem so for her because I'm not making it a big deal. It's part of who we are. It's a conversation I will have with four of my children for the rest of their lives. The "other Mommy" talk.

"What are you thinking about when you color in this picture?" I ask my little strawberry blonde delight.
"I'm thinking of her holding me when I was a baby and feeding me."
"Oh, do you remember that?"
"No I's just thinking it in my head."
"You have a good head for thinking"

"I thinking you hold me and feed me"
"Yes I did hold you and feed you when you were a baby."
"Why?"
"Because you needed someone to take good care of you and the other Mommy wasn't able to do that."
"Oh...."

Long silence...

"You were a good Mummy!"
"You were a good baby and have grown into a very nice little girl! I love you very much. And this Mummy (I point to her picture) she loved you as well, she just couldn't look after you."
"OK"

"Can you draw my baby hair?"

I will have this conversation over and over with my sweet daughter. It breaks my heart to see her trying to make sense of something that doesn't really make sense to a 40 plus year old let alone a five year old. She is happy and confident and these conversations come as naturally as "What is for dinner" to her. We work hard at trying not to make it dramatic or give off a sense of shock or nervousness around the topic, I strive to honor the "first Mommy" while answering gently some of the tougher questions. But the truth is it tears up my heart, because I remember all the pain and I want to shield her from that part of her history. I look at the photos and I remember the terrified screaming as I dropped her off, the jittery child I picked up, the painful visits where eventually her mother asked me to stay just so she wouldn't cry for the hour. I remember the struggles and the hopes and the disappointments as I saw this young girl make choice after choice that took her further and further from being able to parent a child, this child, the child that was slowly becoming my child with each defiant gesture.

My five year old on the other hand is not concerned or worried or grappling with life complexities. She is simply exploring more who she is and how she got here. And she is definitely looking forward to teaching her new brothers all about their "new sister" and sharing her "bestest Mommy" with her littlest siblings! She will look at me and say " I love you up to the moon and back and again and again.. up, down, up, down like a M for Mummy!" She is a gift and a treasure and.. sharp as a tack!! I am blessed to be chosen as the second Mommy and honored to give it all I've got!

The first Mommy asked me to always let C know that she loved her first. That I can honor as I continue to thank God for the choice this mother made for life for her child.. my child, sweet little, bright child of ours.