An incident happened the other day that hit from behind and then flew round to catch me from the side too. I was trying to explain to someone why we could not sign up for any major commitments over the Thanks Giving holiday time. We were going to be busy, we were hopefully going to be bringing children home through adoption, I didn't want to commit to something I couldn't follow through on...
The person misunderstood and thought I was balking at a few extra rehearsals and performance times. It might have been the feeling of being condescended too that triggered my reaction..but I don't think so, I think it was the sheer overwhelm of having to explain it one more time..
I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs "I am not overwhelmed by a few rehearsals, a bit of extra time spent coming and going for a fun, good thing! You could not have any idea unless you were standing right here in my shoes how ridiculous that sounds after the week I have had waiting... waiting.. waiting.. after the month I had before this week... and the one before that.. of the trips we have taken.. of the hoops we have jumped through.. of the papers we have filed and the months and years I have spent trying to get to Act 1 Scene 1 in our adoption story! If you think the idea of having to watch someone repeat themselves for a few weeks is overwhelming to me you should come see me hit send and receive on a good day!
I wanted to shout and cry that," I hoped with all my heart and soul that I would not be able to make this event because I would be too busy bringing my boys home to the family that has loved them for OH SO LONG!" I wanted to find the right word to convey the pain I was in by thinking that this event might come and go and I would still be no closer to that dream.
I wanted to explain it all and explain non of it. I didn't want to answer the "when will they be home?"' question. I'm tiring of the usually vague "Next week or, next year or, somewhere in between."
This is the raw me, the part of me that thankfully gets tamed on the way up.. the part that the Lord allows to be full on with Him as He shows His mercy and grace by not allowing it to be full on in public..especially not with strangers! :0) This is the side you don't want new folks starting the process of adoption to see but it is always there, this raw pain that is the mothers love that is missing the two little boys who are missing. This is the grief of loss and sorrow that still accompanies the joy of each picture and update of my living sons.
I am homesick for Haiti while, being heartful and happy here in my life. It is equally good and hard at the exact same time..all the time.
The raw managed to be presented as a well done comment.. the truth but not the whole truth. "I don't want to commit to something you will be relying on us for, there is a good chance we will not be available during that time and I don't want to let you down." Nice, neat and well presented and done without screaming, crying or ranting.. that I left for my blog post.
Wendy
"at the exact same time...all the time." I feel ya! And the huge internal conflicts and monologues as well. I am thankful for you and your willingness to let the raw stuff come through though too-- it is good to have companions on this long and unpredictable road.
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